.007

i'm going home in 5 weeks.

i'm so excited. like, i'm freakishly close to my younger sister stephanie, and it's been kind of hard on both of us being apart like this. we text almost every day, she IMs me and messages me on myspace...we're really similar.

she texted me like a month ago saying i needed to come home because she needs someone to hang out with her. i think her exact reasons were that she needed someone to cook for her, go shopping with her, play the n64 with, and to get her drinks when she's too lazy to get up. lol.

but i'll be back in 5 weeks, and i'll be there for about 2 weeks, and then stephanie and i are heading back up here to hang for a week/pack my stuff. then my dad is coming up with a truck and we're loading all my things in it and moving me back to oc. yay.

tyler just texted me. well, technically he messaged me on facebook, told me to text him, and now we're texting. but same diff. it is strange. we haven't talked in a while. it's nice though.

and last night my friend chris from back home texted me needing someone to talk to. i haven't talked to him in years. like, there's been the random "merry christmas!" texts from me to him, but haven't actually talked to him on the phone in a long time. i think the last time i saw him was grad night 2007. but yeah, he just needed some advice on stuff, and apparently i was the only one who would be awake (it was 2am).

tomorrow i'm going with emily (my old roommate) to get some taco bell and see adventureland. like 2 weeks ago we went to go see 17 again, and next week i think we're going to see star trek (she talked me into it. what can i say, i love pretty people in movies.). that'll be fun.

also next week i'm going to see the play the drama club is putting on. it'll be good, i'm sure.

.006

it's been a while since i've updated.

what's new...

i found out i'll be able to get out of my lease and the end of june instead of trying to find money for july and august and i'll get my security deposit back. this is amazing, because my security deposit was like $1500...i could definitely use that money.

so that means i'm moving back home at the end of june. and i might actually have a place to sleep when i get there because melissa may finallllllllly be moving out. only took her like 5 years after graduating high school to move out, but whatever. i really hope she does because otherwise i'd be living in my sister's room and all of my stuff would be in the atrium. and that sucks.

i also think my eating disorder might be back. i don't have money to go see a doctor or therapist or anything about it, so i guess i have to deal with it on my own. lame. but yeah, lately it's been like i don't even want to eat. i went 4 days eating the bare minimum. not good.

i've been trying to get better about it - for the past three days i've made sure to eat breakfast no matter what time it was, because i found that if i start the day eating i'm more inclined to eat at least one other time during the day, whereas when i don't eat at all in the morning, i don't usually eat at all during the day. only problem with this is that whenever i eat breakfast i get sick. i'm not sure why.

i think that's it. i have girl scout day camp coming up this summer, and i'm so excited for it. i really want to get a job at the library when i get home, but i don't know if they're hiring. but they should hire me because i spent 4 summers of my pre-teen/teenage life there being the top volunteer with the summer reading program, so i know that place like the back of my hand. that would be the perfect job for me. if not, i think i'm going to look into getting a job at disneyland. we'll see.

.005

i go home in a little less than 2 months.

i'll be there for a little less than 2 months, and then return to SF for about a month before moving back home.

i'm excited to go home. i have real friends there. my sister is there. i think i'll be much happier there. not that i'm unhappy here, but i'll be happier.

now i just got to lose weight so i can look rad for summer. oh joy.

.004

it's times like now that i wish i had someone to sit in silence with.

but i don't.

i have very few, if any, friends here. most of my friends are spread across the country or are back home.

i used to have a best friend up here, but she's apparently decided i'm not worth her time. i don't know what that's all about.

i have one other good friend, but she works often and is in school most of the time when she isn't working, so i don't get to see her much.

my best friend in reality is my sister, and she's stuck in southern california. and i miss hanging with her so much. she's a big part of the reason i'm moving back home - i need her in my life.

so yeah, basically tonight i'm feeling quite alone. the news of nick's death hit me really hard and i haven't been dealing with it too well.

but tomorrow's another day.

.003

there have always been those characters in books, television, and movies that you relate to. either their journey speaks to you, or it's their personality, or something.

these are mine.

Elizabeth Bennet (Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen)
she was one of the first characters that i truly ever related to. she's strong willed and able to look at the world as it truly is. she knows that marrying for any reason except love is ridiculous, and she's not afraid to share her opinion, if asked. yet, at the same time, she's likable. she naturally draws people to her.

Blair Waldorf (Gossip Girl, 2007-present)
i've been told often that i'm similar to Blair for many reasons. she can be an absolute bitch at times, with sharp wit and sarcasm, but she can also be this hurt, scared, and wounded child that is in need of a hug or a shoulder to lean on, although she would never admit it.
in episode 19 of season 2, she talks to another character about why she watches her favorite movies over and over again. her reason is that she likes to know how everything is going to end. that is exactly me. i hate going into things if i don't know how they're going to end. i have to be in control.

Holly Golightly (Breakfast at Tiffany's, Truman Capote)
although the following quote is from the film version and not spoken by Holly Golightly, it rings so true
"You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-You-Are? You're chicken, you've got no guts. You're afraid to stick out your chin and say, "Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness." You call yourself a free spirit, a wild thing, and you're terrified somebody's going to stick you in a cage. Well, baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somaliland. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself."
every time that scene occurs, it hits home so hard for me.

Mary Lane (Reefer Madness: The Movie Musical, 2005)
i've had quite a few people tell me i'm basically the "brunette Mary Lane." for those of you unfamiliar with the character, she is basically the most sexually/worldly innocent person in the universe.
"Little Mary Sunshine with her hem cut so low
Little Mary Sunshine with her ducks in a row
Little Mary Sunshine needs a change in her life
Little Mary Sunshine needs a man

Now come on, Mary Sunshine
It's time that you learned to be bad!
You make a charming armful
So snuggle up, my buttercup, 'cuz you been had"
many friends of mine want to break me out of this and get me to "let loose," although we have different definitions. i don't want to spend a good chunk of my life in a drunken stupor. you can have just as much fun sober and clean (if not more fun).

these are all that i can think of at 2:19 in the morning, but i know there are more. i spent quite a few hours thinking about this last night.

.002

i have a goal to make it to Europe within 5 years.

i think i can do it.

i also have a goal to lose ten pounds by summer (specifically June, when i'll be home again). i have this new work-out thing i'm going to try. we'll see if i actually stick with it - i have horrible motivation when it comes to stuff like this.

.001

for those of you who haven't heard, Nick Adenhart was killed yesterday morning (along with one other person) in a car accident in Fullerton, CA. he was a pitcher for the Anaheim Angels.

i honestly am so upset by this, although i never met the guy or even knew much about him.

the best way to describe it is this (from a comment i made in a community):

"there was this phone conversation i heard with the a's commentator guy, and he put exactly how i'm feeling so well. he said something along the lines of:

it's like, i didn't know him, but i spent two hours of my life staring at him and talking about him and thinking about him and watching him pitch an amazing six innings, that it's totally weird to think he's just never going to do that again."

he was a fantastic pitcher (pitched 6 straight shut-out innings against the A's Wednesday night before he died early Thursday morning) and a true talent.

my heart and thoughts go out to his family. i've been crying most of the day, and i can't imagine what they're going through.

link to an article about it

also, let me take this time to say that if you ever consider driving drunk/tipsy/intoxicated/under the influence of anything, don't. not only would you lose my respect and the respect of millions, you are putting yourself and everyone else on the road in danger. do you really want to end your own life that way, as well as possibly end another's life that way? just don't do it. call a cab, call your parents, call a friend. don't drive.

also taking a moment to remember my friend mandi who died after being hit by a drunk driver in may 2007. <3 you bbgirl.